LIST: Five Secret Rock Jews

rock and roll starHi, I’m a Jewish person. I’m just like you, but I vote Democrat and hate Christmas. The entertainment world is disproportionately filled with men and women of my faith. For example, did you know that Woody Allen was Jewish? You did, didn’t you? Though I don’t necessarily believe in the Scary Man who takes things away from people who are basically nice, I still feel very in tune with the culture of Judaism. Because of this, I think when we Jews hear that an entertainer that we respect is Jewish, we almost feel as though the team is growing by one more person. Since we’re a really small religion (and roughly every 20 years, someone tries to obliterate us), it’s nice to know that so many Jews have achieved great things in so many fields. For me, I could give a shit that Einstein was Jewish. I’m just glad Gene Simmons is one of us.

As a bonus, for every new team member we add, that’s also one more person that will speak up when all of you inevitably turn against us. That, however, is a different type of article.

I now present Five Secret Rock Jews (In that it wasn’t incredibly obvious to me that they were Jewish).

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 My conception of “obvious” is probably different than yours, blah blah blah, you’re adults, figure it out. 

          1.Bob Dylan


Born Robert Zimmerman, Bob Dylan may be one of the more famous briefly-born-again Christians in the world. Despite that unsure period in Bobby’s career/life, he entered this world as a Jew and even had a Bar Mitzvah. Presumably, he used the many fancy pens he received as gifts to write his anti-establishment songs. Just like a teenager.

          2. Geddy Lee


Geddy Lee, bass player and singer for the incomparable Rush, answers the question “Are there Jews in Canada?” with a resounding, “Just me and Leonard Cohen, guy!

           3. Beck

Beck's new album, his first since 2008, is called Morning Phase.

Lately, Beck has gotten more press as a Scientologist (you know, that religion that prays to literally everything other than science), but young Bek David Campbell was raised in observance of the Jewish holidays. There’s probably a nuanced argument that clearly spells out how you can be Jewish and a Scientologist, but it costs $500,000 to go clear enough to understand it.

4. Joey Ramone


The former Jeffrey Hyman was born and raised in Forest Hills, Queens, and went through a lot of pain prior to christening himself Joey Ramone. Though young Jeffrey was lanky and awkward (not to mention diagnosed with OCD in his adolescence), his weird, twitchy energy gave him an unforgettable stage persona. With the Ramones, Joey mapped uncharted terrain in the world of unlikely frontmen. Though he was clearly an odd guy, he was easily the most charismatic Ramone, which is really saying nothing at all.


            5. Hal Blaine


Let’s simplify this a little bit: If you’ve heard a song, there is probably a 70% chance that Hal Blaine played on it. The prolific session drummer was, quite simply, the best in the business in his heyday. As a member of the legendary Wrecking Crew, Blaine has played on 40 Number One Singles, among others. How about the memorable drum intro on The Ronettes’ “Be My Baby”? Blaine. How about “Good Vibrations?” Check.

He’s probably the drummer with the best resume in the history of rock and roll. Another one for the team.


In summary, let’s take fifteen seconds to appreciate the Jews. We invented brisket and Dr. Brown’s Cream Soda. In fact, we likely invented curing meat!

Think about your favorite cured meat. There are many.

I expect a rebuttal with a list of Christian rockers. It will break the Internet.




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