The Most Obscure Bands of All Time: A Guide For Frustrated Dads



 

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Look, I’m not like you. I’m a young person. I know what the emoji with the calculator and the alien means. I don’t know the value of a hard-earned dollar. I also listen to bands that you’ve only heard of in your most acid-flashbacky dreams. I represent everything you should fear, because the second you try to find common ground with me, I will rebuff you publicly and in front of my millennial quasi-nerd friends.

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The good news, Adult Father, is that I can take you under my wing (W.I.N.G. being an acronym that takes 25 dialog-heavy minutes to explain) so that you might not feel so adrift in the sea of gimmick-heavy rock groups. You may finally relate to your goth stepson after all!

Here’s a list of some choice records.

1. Paulo Freire – Drippy Jesus: The Sex Rubric 

This anarchist rock collective recorded their debut album exclusively while being chased by police. Admittedly, sometimes the microphones don’t pick up the things they’re supposed to, and Tracks 12 and 15 are just light sobbing, but Paulo Freire manage to squeeze a few coherent riffs out of their badly sunburned rhythm section.

Also, everyone in the band died when their tent caught fire. Oh yeah, they lived in a tent (until they died just now). All available copies of Drippy Jesus are kind of melted.

Because there are only like five and they were all in the tent.

2. The Gentrificationers – Surmises in the Dark

This album literally began and subsequently ended the bored-core movement. Most of the listenable tracks consist of an unfulfilled man planning his day. It’s really a bunch of doctor’s appointments and finding ways to avoid working out. If you like being frustrated, this album is for you.

As for the non-listenable tracks…

… They are unlistenable, and the less said about them, the better. In fact, all of the tracks, together, cause a curse. Seriously, never listen to this album. Especially not at night. And don’t get it wet, either. Actually, just don’t buy it.

3. Big Mulchy – Songs that Scare Jordan

Look, I don’t know how Big Mulchy got my information, let alone my fears! Do you hear what I’m saying? Every song is about one of my very specific fears! Look at the track list of their latest EP!

1. That High School Football Team Needs Help. Posner! Suit Up! 

2. You’re Mediocre and Everyone Knows It

3. It’s Definitely Cancer

I probably need to go into hiding immediately after finishing this article.

4. Rikki and the Tips – Rikki and the Tips Go Nuts

Just under three minutes long, this full-length record attempts to answer the question “What does it sound like to kill a guitar?”

The answer is: it sounds horrible. That poor guitar. That poor all of us.

5. ButtLUST – Buttmud

Recorded in singer/chainsaw player Byron Minsk’s crawlspace, Buttmud is a tedious exercise in close-proximity rage-screaming. You’ll feel like you’re right in the very same crawlspace, as the sonic assault destroys your living ear tissue. As legend has it, the engineer who recorded this album was high on bath salts, and mixed all the sound to a deafness-inducing level. In fact, this album recently overtook “heart disease” and “religion” to become the thing that has caused the most deaths of all time.

 

There you go! Call your son and talk to him! It’s not too late to strike up a conversation about horrible bands. You’ll thank me later when you have access to his kidneys!

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